Conflict is all around us, it is a normal part of life. Yet, most of us are not comfortable with conflict. We see it as either a call to arms or as something to be avoided. A disagreement becomes an argument that must be won, or we disengage, afraid of damaging the relationship. Whether we fight or flee, we think of conflict negatively.
From this perspective, we end up responding to conflict by getting stuck. We blame, judge, insult, compete, bully, or feel powerless. No wonder we avoid, attack or seek revenge. Conflict as seen from this negative perspective, saps our energy making it difficult to move forward in our goals or relationships.
Conflict as an Opportunity
It is rare for us to think of conflict as something constructive, positive or life-enhancing. Yet all growth is created through conflict. If we view conflict as an opportunity for growth and change, we may be able to approach it with the goal of learning rather than self-protection or the infliction of pain. Conflict opens up a window of awareness and can offer us a powerful opportunity for personal transformation.
If we define conflict as the meeting between different entities – different issues, behaviors, interests, values, needs, expectations or concerns — it frees us to navigate the differences instead of judging them. How the meeting of the differences is managed determines whether the conflict leads to destruction or opportunity.
8 Steps to Opportunity
1. Listen actively
Avoid the fight/flight response. Realize that conflict is fundamentally a request for communication. Listen to the other person. Establish eye contact, ask open-ended questions, empathize, clarify, summarize.
2. Invite the other person’s honest response
Refuse to take what is said personally. Open up the space in your mind and in the conversation to make it safe for the other person to be honest. Withhold judgment; it is our own fragility that makes us defensive.
3. Ask for what you want
State clearly, and without rancor, your own needs and interests. Asking for what you want or need without blame or anger allows the other person to hear you and opens up the door to a dialogue between equals.
4. Clearly state the problem
This appears easier than it actually is. The presenting problem may not express the underlying reasons for the conflict. Don’t get stuck in typical responses – blaming, insulting, victimization. State the problem in a neutral statement.
5. Brainstorm alternatives
Often we like to believe that a problem can have only one solution, ours. identify alternative solutions to shift the focus away from the problem and toward a solution.
6. Focus on interests rather than positions
Conflict becomes opportunity when our conversation shifts from positions (what we want) to interests (why we want it). Interests are rarely mutually exclusive and can be satisfied in multiple ways, while positions are nearly always in opposition and represent only one of many possibilities.
7. Look for criteria
Look for standards or rules for resolving the conflict fairly. This allows for a shift from blame to problem solving and helps us to focus on making the agreement work.
8. Separate what works from what doesn’t
Separate people from problems; positions from interests; feedback from evaluation; problems from solutions; ending from closure.
Remember
The conflict is not about “them” or what “they” do, it’s about how you handle it.
It doesn’t matter what you meant. What matters is what they hear.
Watch the process. What matters is the relationship and the interaction.
Drop the victim role.
Conflict is not about fault. Conflict is about opportunity.