When I was in my 20s, and a mother of four young children, I believed that being a good mother meant I had to say yes to all requests — from teachers, other mothers, and anyone else. It showed that I was a good, caring mother. So what if I felt overwhelmed. It was better than feeling guilty for saying no. “Yes!” felt like the easiest way out. But it came at a price. Feelings of anger and resentment were not far behind. I believed the myth that as women we were supposed to do it all (and do it perfectly). Saying no would set off the monkey chatter of shame: “You’re not a very caring mother!”
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” (Brené Brown)
It took me years to realize that we can’t base our own worth on the approval of others. When we believe deep down in ourselves that we are enough we can say, “Enough!”
What are Boundaries?
Boundaries are setting expectations of what you are willing and not willing to do. They are “simply our lists of what’s okay and what’s not okay.” (Brené Brown)
Benefits of boundaries
There are many benefits to establishing and maintaining boundaries. Here are three that I find most important.
1. Increased self-awareness
Know your limits. You know what you can tolerate or accept and what makes you uncomfortable or stressed. Knowing yourself better allows you to take better care of yourself, and if you choose, others. You can decide what you want to say yes to. You do things that will bring you joy and that you actually want to do.
2. Increased compassion
In her research, Brené Brown found that the most compassionate people are the people that set the most boundaries. When you understand yourself, you are able to be open, be more understanding, and be more loving with yourself and others. You become a better friend, partner, colleague. You establish healthy relationships with more trust and with less resentment, anxiety, and toxicity.
3. Better Communication
Because boundary setting allows you to recognize your own needs, you are better able to communicate those needs to others. Knowing why you are setting the boundaries allows you to clearly communicate your reasons for the boundaries. You also understand that you can say “No” truthfully and without guilt. Choosing what you can and cannot do is your right; it’s not a moral issue. “No” is a complete sentence.
How to Set Boundaries
1. Know your limits
You can’t set a boundary if you are unsure of where you stand. Identify your physical, emotional, and mental limits. What can you accept or at least tolerate? What makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed? Get clear with yourself about your limits. If you aren’t clear, you won’t be able to communicate your boundary.
2. Listen to your feelings
Observe how you feel in the moment. If anger, resentment, or discomfort arise it may be a red flag that you are letting go of a boundary. Ask yourself, what is it about this interaction, or the person’s expectation that is troublesome? When you feel anger or resentment it usually is because you believe someone is taking advantage of you or you are not appreciated. You are pushing yourself beyond your limits and feeling guilty for not meeting their expectations. Listen to your gut.
3. Give yourself permission
Believe you are worthy. Believe you are entitled to basic human rights, to be treated with respect, to make your needs as important as others’, to say no without feeling guilty, to ask for what you want, to set your own priorities. Once you Identify and believe in your rights you will let go of fear, guilt and self-doubt. Boundaries are a sign of self-respect. Give yourself permission to set and preserve them.
4. Be assertive
Now that you know your boundaries and believe you have a right to have them, you need to communicate them in a way you are understood. This means speaking in a firm, friendly and calm way. Being assertive is using language that is clear without blame or threats. It is speaking from the heart with confidence. Being assertive is expressing your thoughts and feelings with respect towards yourself and respect towards others. Being assertive is using “I” statements. “I can’t take that on,” or “My plate is full,” or “That’s not going to work for me.” You can say no without an explanation or taking the emotional burden of the other person. Own your self-respect.
Boundaries Empower Us
Boundaries help us establish healthy relationships. They build bridges not walls. But they also do another very important thing for us. They tune us into behavior that might be harmful to our own well-being. When you feel anger or resentment and find yourself whining or complaining, it’s probably time to set a boundary. Listen to yourself, determined what you need, and assertively communicate your boundary. Empower yourself.
Stop asking why they keep doing it and start asking why you keep allowing it. Anonymous